Breaking Brad: On Peyton Manning, baby penguins and podiatrists - Omaha.com
Published Wednesday, January 15, 2014 at 10:48 am / Updated at 11:27 am
Breaking Brad: On Peyton Manning, baby penguins and podiatrists

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* A retired Omaha podiatrist will run for a seat in the Nebraska Legislature. I think a proctologist would be a better fit.

* Gov. Dave Heineman delivered his State of the State speech Wednesday. Every governor does this, except in Colorado, where the State of the State has been replaced by "Hemp-fest."

* Heineman's State of the State was delivered from the Legislature's chambers at the Capitol. Sure, compared to our Legislature, anything the governor says seems intelligent.

* After Peyton Manning shouted "Omaha!" repeatedly during Sunday's game, Omaha's Chamber of Commerce expressed interest in hiring him for a promotion. The best news: We'd only have to close four libraries and six swimming pools to afford Manning.

* Omaha is receiving lots of publicity after Peyton Manning's "Omaha!" snap count. It says a lot about the world today that we're home to five Fortune 500 companies and this is what it takes to get some attention.

* Mayor Jean Stothert even offered Manning a personal tour of the city. This is his chance to see our zoo, the Old Market and the world's largest collection of orange traffic cones.

* The Henry Doorly Zoo and Aquarium just introduced five baby penguins. How fast can we get that camera off the Woodmen Tower and those boring Peregrine falcons and into the baby penguin enclosure?

* Sen. Chuck Grassley has vowed to visit each of Iowa's 99 counties. After hearing this, Rick Santorum, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and Chris Christie replied, "Same here."

* Chevrolet has debuted a car with a data recorder to illustrate you where you've traveled. This will be great to bring out at Omaha cocktail parties. "OK, you won't believe where this last detour took me."

* A Southwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong Missouri airport, approximately seven miles from the intended destination. The pilot vowed to never again use Google Maps.

* Here's the scary thing: Southwest is considered among our most reliable airlines. What are the less reliable airlines doing? Landing on the wrong continent?

* Because it's Southwest, all the passengers assumed the pilot was joking. "I'm serious, we landed at the wrong airport!" "HA-HA-HA-HA!"

* Missouri is now the "Show Me The Right Airport" state.

* President Obama welcomed the champion Miami Heat to the White House on Tuesday. Obama was excited to see LeBron James. It was the first time the president has met anyone more powerful than himself.

* Rep. Lee Terry has accused the Obama administration of repeatedly lying to the American people. An administration official said Obama was too busy pardoning the White House turkey to comment.

* New York City mayor Bill De Blasio is under fire by New Yorkers after photos surfaced of him eating pizza with a knife and fork. OK, here's one scandal Chris Christie probably doesn't need to worry about.

* If he was mayor of Chicago, he could be impeached for eating pizza with a fork.

* Michelle Obama turns 50 on Friday. She plans to spend a quiet evening at home, reflecting on when her husband's popularity was that high.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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