Breaking Brad: On Peyton Manning, baby penguins and podiatrists - Omaha.com
Published Wednesday, January 15, 2014 at 10:48 am / Updated at 11:27 am
Breaking Brad: On Peyton Manning, baby penguins and podiatrists

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* A retired Omaha podiatrist will run for a seat in the Nebraska Legislature. I think a proctologist would be a better fit.

* Gov. Dave Heineman delivered his State of the State speech Wednesday. Every governor does this, except in Colorado, where the State of the State has been replaced by "Hemp-fest."

* Heineman's State of the State was delivered from the Legislature's chambers at the Capitol. Sure, compared to our Legislature, anything the governor says seems intelligent.

* After Peyton Manning shouted "Omaha!" repeatedly during Sunday's game, Omaha's Chamber of Commerce expressed interest in hiring him for a promotion. The best news: We'd only have to close four libraries and six swimming pools to afford Manning.

* Omaha is receiving lots of publicity after Peyton Manning's "Omaha!" snap count. It says a lot about the world today that we're home to five Fortune 500 companies and this is what it takes to get some attention.

* Mayor Jean Stothert even offered Manning a personal tour of the city. This is his chance to see our zoo, the Old Market and the world's largest collection of orange traffic cones.

* The Henry Doorly Zoo and Aquarium just introduced five baby penguins. How fast can we get that camera off the Woodmen Tower and those boring Peregrine falcons and into the baby penguin enclosure?

* Sen. Chuck Grassley has vowed to visit each of Iowa's 99 counties. After hearing this, Rick Santorum, Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and Chris Christie replied, "Same here."

* Chevrolet has debuted a car with a data recorder to illustrate you where you've traveled. This will be great to bring out at Omaha cocktail parties. "OK, you won't believe where this last detour took me."

* A Southwest Airlines flight landed at the wrong Missouri airport, approximately seven miles from the intended destination. The pilot vowed to never again use Google Maps.

* Here's the scary thing: Southwest is considered among our most reliable airlines. What are the less reliable airlines doing? Landing on the wrong continent?

* Because it's Southwest, all the passengers assumed the pilot was joking. "I'm serious, we landed at the wrong airport!" "HA-HA-HA-HA!"

* Missouri is now the "Show Me The Right Airport" state.

* President Obama welcomed the champion Miami Heat to the White House on Tuesday. Obama was excited to see LeBron James. It was the first time the president has met anyone more powerful than himself.

* Rep. Lee Terry has accused the Obama administration of repeatedly lying to the American people. An administration official said Obama was too busy pardoning the White House turkey to comment.

* New York City mayor Bill De Blasio is under fire by New Yorkers after photos surfaced of him eating pizza with a knife and fork. OK, here's one scandal Chris Christie probably doesn't need to worry about.

* If he was mayor of Chicago, he could be impeached for eating pizza with a fork.

* Michelle Obama turns 50 on Friday. She plans to spend a quiet evening at home, reflecting on when her husband's popularity was that high.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Agreement reached to end dog racing at Bluffs Run at end of 2015
Police probe bank robbery
Man accused of trying to open flying plane's door pleads not guilty
Ben Sasse shifts tactics, calls ad by Shane Osborn 'hypocritical'
Forecast on the upswing after Thursday's rain
EB Harney Street lane closed
Ex-UNMC student loses appeal; claimed program didn't make accommodations for his depression
Grace: Your older self has a request — use sunscreen
At NU's helm, J.B. Milliken built the university by building relationships with state leaders
City's Personnel Board is behind ‘ban-the-box’ proposal
World champion Crawford's promoter working to have title defense at CenturyLink Center
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
Richard Paul Dreier, 90, was wounded in attack during WWII
Police issue arrest warrant in teen's shooting death
Beau McCoy calls Pete Ricketts a 'convenient conservative' for immigration stance
Kelly: Huskers' glory days of '80s live on — on the small screen and on stage
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
Database: How much did Medicare pay your doctor?
Construction to start in May on West Broadway apartment/retail structure
3 Nebraska Board of Education candidates call for high standards
Douglas County Board candidates say they aren't ruled by party
Video: Stothert says Crossroads project is 'full speed ahead,' but she won't support bond issue
Ex-Obama official urges approval of Keystone XL pipeline
Benefit to be held for family of Omaha shooting victim
New Alegent Creighton Clinic to open in Council Bluffs
< >
COLUMNISTS »
Breaking Brad: 117-mph riding lawnmowers and 12-scoop banana splits
The Chicago White Sox are selling a 12-scoop banana split inside a full-size batting helmet for $17. You know what you'd call someone in Chicago who'd eat this? "Health nut."
Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon
Russia is claiming it owns a section of the moon. If you follow the news, you know this probably doesn't end well.
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
The idea that Paul Hogan had studied and then hatched at his mother's table was that older people, rather than moving in with relatives or to an assisted-living center, would much prefer to stay home instead.
Kelly: Huskers' glory days of '80s live on — on the small screen and on stage
The 1984 NFL draft was unusual for the Nebraska Cornhuskers, and these days it's remembered in the name of a rock band, the 1984 Draft. Tonight, the band is featured on the NFL Network.
Breaking Brad: Nebraska GOP candidates unified against naked squirrels
Some of these Nebraska campaigns are tilting pretty far right. At a recent forum, there was a consensus that we need to ban public dancing and clothe naked squirrels in public parks.
Deadline Deal thumbnail
7M Grill
Half Off Delicious Comfort Fusion Food & Drinks!
Buy Now
PHOTO GALLERIES »
< >
SPOTLIGHT »
Omaha World-Herald Contests
Enter for a chance to win great prizes.
OWH Store: Buy photos, books and articles
Buy photos, books and articles
Travel Snaps Photo
Going on Vacation? Take the Omaha World-Herald with you and you could the next Travel Snaps winner.
Click here to donate to Goodfellows
The 2011 Goodfellows fund drive provided holiday meals to nearly 5,000 families and their children, and raised more than $500,000 to help families in crisis year round.
WORLD-HERALD ALERTS »
Want to get World-Herald stories sent directly to your home or work computer? Sign up for Omaha.com's News Alerts and you will receive e-mails with the day's top stories.
Can't find what you need? Click here for site map »