* * * * * * * * * *
* A high of zero is predicted for Omaha on Monday. You know it's cold when your co-workers carry their car batteries around the office all day.
* If you ever wanted to visit Antarctica, there's no need — Antarctica has come to you.
* There were wind chills of -40 degrees in the Great Plains over the weekend. It was so cold a FedEx delivery driver nearly put on long pants.
* According to a new study penguins stay warm in the frigid tundra by huddling together in one massive group. OK, Omahans, I'm down to try it if you are.
* Sunday night CNN aired the documentary “March of the Penguins.” I mistook it for the Ch. 7 weather report.
* There are historically low wind chills, the flu virus is spreading and an asteroid could buzz earth in several years. Have a great Monday, everybody.
* Here's the worst news of all: members of Congress have returned to Washington D.C. after recess.
* If it gets any colder in Omaha, St. Bernards are going to begin delivering Jimmy John's food.
* It's so cold, polar bears at the Henry Doorly Zoo said “Enough already.”
* This week a detour went into effect in Omaha on Nicholas Street around 15th Street. Oh, great, now we're getting detours of our existing detours.
* A man in Des Moines allegedly pulled a knife on his brother — both men are in their fifties — to get him to stop eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Hey, this is one diet plan that just might work.
* Des Moines officials, embarking on a campaign to present the city as a cultural hub and an arts center, may want to keep this story on the down low.
* A man allegedly pulled a knife on his adult brother for eating too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Reading about this made me realize how much I miss “Cops.”
* The president of Venezuela has “moved” Christmas to Nov. 1. By the time many Americans are finished shopping, entertaining out of town relatives and dealing with gift exchanges, we're ready to move Christmas to Feb. 29 so we only have to do it every four years.
* Hillary Clinton has a new look — bangs. She's nearly unrecognizable. Last night Bill hit on her.
* President Obama has returned to Washington D.C. after two weeks in Hawaii. He wanted to reenact how long it takes to sign up for Obamacare.
* President Obama's approval rating with young voters has dropped to 45 percent. What really matters to the White House: now that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is out, Obama's approval rating among “The View” hosts is 100 percent.
* Dennis Rodman and a team of Americans have arrived in Pyongyang to play the North Korean all-star team on Wednesday. A quick tip to the Americans: lose.
* Reportedly the prime minister of Canada may make a claim for the North Pole. Sounds like someone got a little too geeked about that repeat of “A Christmas Story.”
* Canada may stake a claim for the North Pole. When the Omaha City Council realized the toys made by elves could be taxed, members asked: “You think we got a shot?”
* China is purchasing $73.6 million of pig semen from Britain. I will never again criticize the U.S. Congress for wasteful spending.
* China wants the semen to satisfy a growing demand for high quality pork. Maybe Omaha should start purchasing pig semen to ensure that our future bacon-fests are well-stocked.
* Britain is hiring pig semen collectors. As holiday temp jobs go, this isn't so bad.
* In the new movie “The Wolf of Wall Street” the “F” word is used a record 506 times. Hollywood is so decadent these days, “Wolf” may be a Disney production.