Breaking Brad: The black bears are coming! The black bears are coming! - Omaha.com
Published Friday, December 27, 2013 at 10:31 am / Updated at 1:06 pm
Breaking Brad: The black bears are coming! The black bears are coming!

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Registration for the Lincoln Marathon opens at 12:01 a.m. on Jan. 1. The course will feature the Boosalis Trail, named for a former Lincoln mayor. You think one day in Omaha we'll have a Stothert Trail, filled with orange traffic cones and three detours?

* Black bear tracks have been discovered in western Iowa. The bear is believed to have come from Missouri. I knew the 2013 Iowa State Fair offered too much food.

* The unusual tracks in western Iowa are believed to have been left by a bear ... unless they're from a reindeer?

* In southeastern France, a man attached to some kind of bird-like wings was seen flying low to the ground. It sounds like UPS is desperate to get those Christmas packages delivered.

* I'm starting to think the "UP" in UPS stands for "Useless Promise." Just saying.

* Santa said to UPS, "It's not as easy as it looks, huh?"

* A Salvation Army bell-ringer in Phoenix claims he was punched for saying "happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." The list of suspects includes 45 Fox News hosts.

* This is when you don't quite have a grasp of the true meaning of Christmas. "Happy holidays? OK, put 'em up."

* On Christmas Day in Melbourne, Fla., police gave speeders lottery tickets, not speeding tickets. There was a similar feel-good thing in downtown Omaha, where cars that were over-parked were towed by a city employee, dressed as Santa, in a sleigh.

* There are some elaborate holiday displays in Omaha's Linden Estates this year. My personal favorite is the one where Santa descends from a hovering drone onto a front lawn while an animatronic Rudolph sings "Jingle Bells" in Portuguese.

* I have it on good authority that at least two Linden Estates homeowners contract with NASA to design their holiday displays.

* According to a Harris Interactive poll, 57 percent of parents are willing to assume debt to buy their children Christmas gifts. You know we've lost the true meaning of Christmas when bankruptcy attorneys are the big winners.

* Regulators announced a temporary three-cent increase in most stamp prices to go into effect in Jan. 26. If you're keeping track, it took the U.S. Postal Service approximately 11 minutes to capitalize on the problems at UPS.

* Remember: Every time the cost of a stamp goes up around the holidays, another angel gets its wings.

* Video has emerged of Snoop fist-bumping Secretary of State John Kerry inside the White House earlier this month. John Boehner asked, "Snoop can get a White House meeting and I can't?"

* After she saw Kerry fist-bump Snoop, Hillary Clinton likely said, "There's one thing I'm not willing to do to be elected president."

* I read an article about a dog that can sometimes sniff out disease. It's bad enough you can lose your doctor under Obamacare. But now you could be assigned to the disease-sniffing Schnauzer.

* The House Ethics Committee is investigating Rep. Trey Radel, who recently pleaded guilty to cocaine possession. That is simply amazing. I mean the part about how they're still able to find enough people to fill out a House Ethics Committee.

* Boise State's QB was suspended for the Hawaii Bowl for supposedly urinating from a balcony. Now, Edward Snowden is only our second most famous leaker.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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