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* Santa is not expected to complete his journey around the world until Dec. 27. You know why? Road construction in Omaha.
* After passing through Omaha, Santa will just be grateful to return to the warmth of the North Pole.
* It's still up in the air whether Omaha will have a white Christmas. One thing's for certain - with all the traffic barrels around town we are assured of an orange Christmas.
* In our jaded society, the average kid has one reaction after hearing that Santa travels the world in a single night: “Performance enhancers?”
* Tonight is the night for that elusive, enigmatic man with the distinct appearance who travels the world. And I'm not talking about Dennis Rodman.
* The World-Herald ran an article on how computers make great Christmas gift for seniors. Sure, they can set the clothes they're going to wear the next day on top of 'em.
* A man has legally changed his name to “Santa A. Claus.” This was opposed by one person - his mail carrier.
* A school in Wisconsin was criticized for changing the words to “Silent Night” during the Christmas pageant. I don't know, the original words seemed to work OK for the past several hundred years.
* The school changed “Silent Night” lyrics to be more PC. The only way this gets dumber is if we learn they change “Jingle Bells” from “a one horse open sleigh” to not offend PETA.
* The White House has dozens of Christmas trees. There has never been a better time to be first dogs Bo and Sunny.
* For Christmas Hammacher Schlemmer is offering a “personal submarine” for just $2 million. Actually, if you buy two I'm pretty sure they'll take 10 bucks off.
* I saw an article titled “Tips For Driving Long Holiday Distances with the Family Dog.” As someone who once drove cross country with the family dog I have one tip: DON'T DO IT.
* President Obama's new advisor, John Podesta, is described as “a UFO disclosure advocate.” This means next time there's a problem with the Obamacare website it could be blamed on “interference from beams emanating from the planet Kritong.”
* Obama's new advisor is a UFO disclosure advocate. Ironically, if beings from another galaxy were to land in 2013 Washington D.C. they would immediately conclude there are no signs of intelligent life on earth.
* In Washington D.C. we presently have a bunch of goofballs, ner-do-wells and degenerates. All we were missing was a staunch UFO advocate.
* President Obama himself has signed up for Obamacare. Ah, that explains the president's new gray hair.
* John Boehner recently said that conservative groups have lost all credibility. Conservative groups are withholding their response until learning just who this John Boehner is.
* Edward Snowden just sat down for a 14-hour interview with the Washington Post. A desperate-to-stay-in-the-limelight Snowden revealed the name of every American worker's secret Santa.