Breaking Brad: An open letter to all who plan to rob a Kum & Go - Omaha.com
Published Friday, December 20, 2013 at 10:32 am / Updated at 11:03 am
Breaking Brad: An open letter to all who plan to rob a Kum & Go

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* I have lowered the bar for what constitutes a merry Christmas season. Now, if I can get through it without being rear-ended at the mall, zapped with a taser at Walmart or having my credit card compromised at Target, it's a success.

* A woman who signed up for an online Secret Santa exchange learned her Secret Santa is Bill Gates. Why can't I have Secret Santas like this? My Secret Santa always turns out to be the disgruntled mailroom guy looking to unload his old "Pioneer Land" snow globe.

* The new phone books were delivered. Wait, that was a list of all the candidates who are running for governor of Nebraska.

* A European soccer team used dummies to make it appear like there were people in the stands. The way ticket sales are going, Nebraska may have to do the same to fill its fan section at the Gator Bowl.

* Husker fans have shown little interest in traveling to the TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl. It's hard to believe the pageantry and tradition associated with the words "TaxSlayer.com" hasn't enticed the masses.

* A man allegedly robbed a Kum & Go, then returned later the same day to make a purchase. There are roughly 109 Kum & Gos in the Omaha area, and he returns to the one he just robbed?

* I'm not sure what you'd call this guy, but we can rule out criminal mastermind.

* The accused's last name is "Brightman," which is obviously a misnomer.

* President Obama commuted the sentences of eight federal inmates convicted of crack cocaine offenses. This comes after intensive research revealed not one of the inmates was Republican.

* President Obama and his family are scheduled to depart for their annual Christmas vacation in Hawaii on Friday. It's a strange world when President Obama is lying on a beach in Maui while Dennis Rodman negotiates with Kim Jong Un in Pyongyang.

* It's just too bad someone less controversial and polarizing than Dennis Rodman couldn't visit North Korea. Say, that guy who was suspended from "Duck Dynasty."

* Rodman will bring a team to North Korea to play an exhibition game on Kim Jong Un's birthday. The NBA is suggesting he take the Utah Jazz.

* Kim Jong Un may be hoping to lure American sport events to North Korea. There will a lot of hurt feelings if Pyongyang gets an NFL team before Los Angeles.

* Hey, let's give North Korea the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. Just a thought.

* Breaking: Between now and Christmas, government officials in Russia will be incarcerating "anyone who dons gay apparel."

* A new poll finds 53 percent of Americans believe President Obama is not honest and trustworthy. To put that in perspective, Arkansas timeshare promoters are at 54 percent.

* Facebook has introduced a new feature that allows users to post a blue thumbs down on Messenger if they don't like what the person they're talking to says. Because, you know, there isn't enough hate online.

* What we need is a feature that allows the nation to send a giant blue thumbs down to Congress.

* Facebook will also allow teenagers between 13 and 17 to share their posts with anyone on the Internet. I'm guessing this decision was made by a Facebook executive who doesn't know any teenagers between 13 and 17.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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