Breaking Brad: Watch out for that llama on the loose - Omaha.com
Published Tuesday, December 10, 2013 at 10:53 am / Updated at 11:28 am
Breaking Brad: Watch out for that llama on the loose

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at Omaha.com/Dickson and follow him on Twitter.

Brad's morning edition. Check back later today for his afternoon jokes.

* A southbound curb lane at 60th and Arbor streets is closed for two weeks due to a "sewer-separation project.” Oh, now they're just making stuff up!

* A Slate analysis concludes Miami has the worst drivers in the U.S. I believe the study was conducted by the group “People Who've Never Made The Morning Commute In Snow In Omaha.”

* On Monday Night Football, I saw a wide receiver who just scored do this chicken dance, flapping his arms and gyrating. No, wait, my mistake -- that was Lee Terry after hearing Pete Festersen dropped out of his congressional race.

* In local politics, Pete Festersen is in, out, back in and then out of the second district congressional race.

* Pete Festersen dropped out of the congressional race vs. Lee Terry due to other obligations. What I'll miss most is Festersen's campaign slogan: “I'm really too busy for this ----.”

* Through his official spokesman, Lee Terry issued a statement that read, “YEAH!!!” I mean, that he respects Festersen's decision.

* When Festersen entered the race, he said "change is needed.” I didn't realize he meant he'd be changing his mind about running every few months.

* With less than a year before the election, the Democrats have no candidate. I saw an ad on Craigslist: “Ever wanted to serve in Congress? Call Nebraska's Democratic headquarters.”

* A Lincoln strip club has been ordered to put up windows and then paint them. This is when you know the courts are trying to make your life difficult. “OK, then clean all the toilets with a toothbrush.”

* Due to inclement weather across the nation, nearly 3,000 commercial flights have been canceled since Saturday. Re-scheduling is a nightmare. Right now, the best the airlines can do is get you a seat on an Amazon drone.

* Nebraska will play Georgia in the Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl. Sorry, I nodded off for a second.

* Barbara Walters's “Most Fascinating People" of 2013 includes Edward Snowden, who, unfortunately, leaked the rest of the list.

* The list includes Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and Edward Snowden. So, if you want to make Walters's fascinating list, remember to twerk, give your baby a weird name and publish government secrets.

* The official White House Christmas card is 3D. This is why President Obama cut back on the space program, so NASA could focus on developing his Christmas card.

* Members of President Obama's Secret Service detail are accused of engaging in sexual misconduct at an upscale hotel. That's awful. With the financial condition of this country, they should be engaging in sexual misconduct at a Super 8.

* At halftime of the SEC Championship game, two students competed in a football skills contest for $100K in tuition money. Remember when scholarships used to be based on SAT scores and GPA? Now, it's how many balls you can toss into a Styrofoam Pepsi can in 60 seconds.

* A llama that's been on the loose for almost six months has finally been captured in Michigan. I'm glad these people weren't in charge of getting bin Laden.

Craving more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Sioux City riverboat casino prepares to close, still hoping to be saved
Omaha high schoolers to help canvass for Heartland 2050
Mizzou alumni aim to attract veterinary students to Henry Doorly Zoo
Grant ensures that Sioux City can start building children's museum
Party looks to 'nudge' women into public office in Iowa
For birthday, Brownell-Talbot student opts to give, not get
Sole big donor to Beau McCoy says he expects nothing in return
Two taken to hospital after fire at Benson home
Grace: Pipe organ concert a tribute to couple's enduring love
Omaha-area jails and ERs new front line in battling mental illness
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins might await his sentence in prison
Kelly: 70 years after a deadly D-Day rehearsal, Omahan, WWII vet will return to Europe
Civil rights hearing to consider voting policies in Midwest
Firefighters battle brush fire near Fontenelle Forest
17 senators in Nebraska Legislature hit their (term) limits
It's a pursuit of pastel at Spring Lake Park's Easter egg hunt
Financial picture improving for city-owned Mid-America Center
No injuries after fire at midtown's old Mercer Mansion
29-year-old Omahan arrested for 22nd time in Lincoln
Police: Slaying of woman in Ralston apartment likely over drugs
Explosion near 29th, Woolworth damages vehicles
Omaha police arrest man, 19, accused in March shooting
Earth gets its day in the sun at Elmwood Park
Beau McCoy strikes Obama doll in TV ad; Democrats are not happy
Keystone XL pipeline backers blast 'political expediency' as foes hail ruling to delay decision
< >
COLUMNISTS »
Kelly: 70 years after a deadly D-Day rehearsal, Omahan, WWII vet will return to Europe
A World War II veteran from Omaha will return this week to Europe to commemorate a tragedy in the run-up to D-Day.
Dickson’s Week in Review, April 13-19
On Twitter some guy tweeted that the spring game isn’t taken as seriously as a regular-season contest. What was your first clue? When the head coach entered waving a cat aloft?
Kelly: A California university president returns to her Nebraska roots on Ivy Day
The main speaker at today's Ivy Day celebration at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is a college president who grew up roping calves and earned her Ph.D. at the prestigious Oxford University in England.
Breaking Brad: Stuck in a claw machine? You get no Easter candy
I know of one kid in Lincoln who will be receiving a lump of coal from the Easter Bunny, just as soon as he's extricated from that bowling alley claw machine.
Breaking Brad: Mountain lion season's over, but the bunny's fair game!
Thursday was the last day of a Nebraska Legislature session. Before leaving town, legislators passed a bill to hold a lottery to hunt the Easter Bunny.
Deadline Deal thumbnail
The Jaipur in Rockbrook Village
Half Off Fine Indian Cuisine & Drinks! $15 for Dinner, or $7 for Lunch
Buy Now
PHOTO GALLERIES »
< >
SPOTLIGHT »
Omaha World-Herald Contests
Enter for a chance to win great prizes.
OWH Store: Buy photos, books and articles
Buy photos, books and articles
Travel Snaps Photo
Going on Vacation? Take the Omaha World-Herald with you and you could the next Travel Snaps winner.
Click here to donate to Goodfellows
The 2011 Goodfellows fund drive provided holiday meals to nearly 5,000 families and their children, and raised more than $500,000 to help families in crisis year round.
WORLD-HERALD ALERTS »
Want to get World-Herald stories sent directly to your home or work computer? Sign up for Omaha.com's News Alerts and you will receive e-mails with the day's top stories.
Can't find what you need? Click here for site map »