Brad's morning edition. Check back later today for his afternoon jokes.
* A southbound curb lane at 60th and Arbor streets is closed for two weeks due to a "sewer-separation project.” Oh, now they're just making stuff up!
* A Slate analysis concludes Miami has the worst drivers in the U.S. I believe the study was conducted by the group “People Who've Never Made The Morning Commute In Snow In Omaha.”
* On Monday Night Football, I saw a wide receiver who just scored do this chicken dance, flapping his arms and gyrating. No, wait, my mistake -- that was Lee Terry after hearing Pete Festersen dropped out of his congressional race.
* In local politics, Pete Festersen is in, out, back in and then out of the second district congressional race.
* Pete Festersen dropped out of the congressional race vs. Lee Terry due to other obligations. What I'll miss most is Festersen's campaign slogan: “I'm really too busy for this ----.”
* Through his official spokesman, Lee Terry issued a statement that read, “YEAH!!!” I mean, that he respects Festersen's decision.
* When Festersen entered the race, he said "change is needed.” I didn't realize he meant he'd be changing his mind about running every few months.
* With less than a year before the election, the Democrats have no candidate. I saw an ad on Craigslist: “Ever wanted to serve in Congress? Call Nebraska's Democratic headquarters.”
* A Lincoln strip club has been ordered to put up windows and then paint them. This is when you know the courts are trying to make your life difficult. “OK, then clean all the toilets with a toothbrush.”
* Due to inclement weather across the nation, nearly 3,000 commercial flights have been canceled since Saturday. Re-scheduling is a nightmare. Right now, the best the airlines can do is get you a seat on an Amazon drone.
* Nebraska will play Georgia in the Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl. Sorry, I nodded off for a second.
* Barbara Walters's “Most Fascinating People" of 2013 includes Edward Snowden, who, unfortunately, leaked the rest of the list.
* The list includes Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian, Kanye West and Edward Snowden. So, if you want to make Walters's fascinating list, remember to twerk, give your baby a weird name and publish government secrets.
* The official White House Christmas card is 3D. This is why President Obama cut back on the space program, so NASA could focus on developing his Christmas card.
* Members of President Obama's Secret Service detail are accused of engaging in sexual misconduct at an upscale hotel. That's awful. With the financial condition of this country, they should be engaging in sexual misconduct at a Super 8.
* At halftime of the SEC Championship game, two students competed in a football skills contest for $100K in tuition money. Remember when scholarships used to be based on SAT scores and GPA? Now, it's how many balls you can toss into a Styrofoam Pepsi can in 60 seconds.
* A llama that's been on the loose for almost six months has finally been captured in Michigan. I'm glad these people weren't in charge of getting bin Laden.