Take heart, Bottom 10 teams. At the current rate, in another 20 years 2-10 will be “bowl eligible.”
1. Miami (Ohio) (0-12): The RedHawks reclaim the top spot after they lost and Southern Mississippi won. The good news about going 0-12 is that nobody will confuse you with that other college team named Miami in Florida.
2. Massachusetts (1-11): UMass fell to Ohio 51-23. Not only did Frank Solich’s team post a win, but for the first time since leaving he was happy he got out of Lincoln.
3. UAB (2-10): UAB lost 62-27 to a Southern Miss team that had dropped 23 straight games. The Golden Eagles scored more points in the third quarter (28) than they had in any full game this season.
4. Georgia State (0-12): Chins up, Panthers — there’s always next year. If not, the year after that. Or the year after that …
5. Idaho (1-11): Idaho costs itself by losing to New Mexico State ...
6. New Mexico State (2-10): … But not that much.
7. Purdue (1-11): Boilermakers urge Jim Delany to continue conference expansion in hopes of finding a team Purdue can beat.
8. FIU (1-11): FIU lost to Florida Atlantic, which finished its regular season with a four-game winning streak. Who knew that seeing two of your coaches escorted from the premises could have such an inspirational effect on a team?
9. Western Michigan (1-11): Western Michigan (1-10 going into the game) lost to Northern Illinois (11-0 going into the game) in The Tale of Two Cities Bowl.
10. Virginia (2-10): The Cavaliers went to see the movie “Delivery Man” Friday night, so losing Saturday to Virginia Tech was only the second most depressing experience of their weekend.
Also receiving votes: Eastern Michigan, Black Friday brawls, that rugby scrum outside Walmart, “chicken@#%^,” Kansas, Southern Mississippi, Temple, Army, Air Force, all airports but especially O’Hare, singers who can’t remember the words to our national anthem, South Florida, UTEP.