Breaking Brad: There is a shortage of large Butterball turkeys in the U.S. - Omaha.com
Published Tuesday, November 26, 2013 at 12:01 am / Updated at 12:39 pm
Breaking Brad: There is a shortage of large Butterball turkeys in the U.S.

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* The Gene Leahy Mall holiday lighting ceremony is Thanksgiving night. With the Mayor Jean Stothert frugality, instead of a million lights, this year there will just be an inflatable Donner.

* Mayor Stothert plans to wish peace on earth and goodwill to everyone who's not presently part of the fire union.

* Because it's the Gene Leahy Mall instead of a workshop Santa will emerge from a mud bog.

* A series of petitions being circulated around the country to "save Thanksgiving" by forcing retailers to close, have garnered nearly 200,000 signatures. That includes the 500 signatures collected in Omaha from people who thought they were signing to recall a mayor.

* A historic, one-of-a-kind comet is expected to travel around the sun on Thanksgiving Day. It should be a real thrill for the five Americans willing to look up from their turkey and stuffing.

* I have a holiday tip to share. I serve all my out-of-town guests Thanksgiving dinner in their car, so they can leave faster when it's over.

* Santa is preparing to make his journey on Christmas Eve. Everyone's hoping to avoid a repeat of last year when Rudolph walked off the job after seeing all the road construction in Omaha.

* Santa is going to be at the Crossroads Mall on weekends. This means the Maytag Repairman has only the second loneliest job in the world.

* Santa arrives at Regency Court on Nov. 29 where he will promptly be marked up.

* There is a shortage of large Butterball turkeys in the U.S. A quick, informal poll reveals that 80 percent of Americans favor military intervention in Canada to seize its large turkeys.

* Singer Joan Jett was removed from the South Dakota float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade after it was learned she's a vegetarian. She was replaced by a guy holding a Big Mac in each hand.

* Archeologists in Utah discovered the remains of a new species of dinosaur the size of a T Rex that was a carnivore. And even these things couldn't eat as much turkey as the typical American will consume on Thursday.

* The U.S. has struck an interim nuclear deal with Iran. You think you were wary about the temporary debt ceiling deal, now we have an interim nuclear deal with the Iranians.

* President Obama is in Hollywood, rubbing elbows with show business types. Sure, after the latest poor showing in the polls Obama wanted to go someplace where his approval rating is 99 percent.

*President Obama is visiting Los Angeles. If he gets stuck in L.A. rush hour traffic he'll understand the frustration of trying to sign up for Obamacare online.

* House Speaker John Boehner signed up for Obamacare online. It took him 4 hours and he blogged throughout calling it a “miserable experience.” Which means it's a slow process MADE EVEN SLOWER WHEN YOU BLOG THROUGHOUT.

* Oprah Winfrey was among the recipients of the Presidential Medal of Freedom at the White House. There was an awkward moment when a reporter said, “Ladies and gentlemen, the most powerful person in the free world” and Oprah walked to the podium.

* On cocaine possession charges, U.S. Rep. Trey Radel could have received a maximum penalty of 180 days in jail. The good news is, he could be absent from the current Congress for 180 days and not miss anything.

* The Denver City Council gave preliminary approval to a law making it legal for residents to smoke marijuana in their front yard. Something is wrong in America when you can smoke marijuana in your front yard but get fined for burning leaves in the backyard.

* At the current rate, sometime next year it will be legal for Colorado residents to replace their chimney with a 40-ft. bong.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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