Breaking Brad: Al Gore goes vegan just in time for Thanksgiving - Omaha.com
Published Tuesday, November 26, 2013 at 12:01 am / Updated at 1:41 pm
Breaking Brad: Al Gore goes vegan just in time for Thanksgiving

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read his morning jokes.

* Michele Bachmann said she lost her health coverage under Obamacare. So Obama told Democrats: “See? It's working.”

* Hillary Clinton appears to be gearing up to seek the Democratic presidential nomination. She and Bill are referring to our health care plan as “Bidencare.”

* An American abandoned his quest to fly across the Atlantic Ocean using helium-filled balloons. Ironically, he had a ticket to fly coach over Thanksgiving but using balloons was faster and more comfortable.

* Katy Perry criticized celebrities who show too much skin. Katy Perry criticizing people for showing too much skin is akin to Miley Cyrus criticizing Gene Simmons for sticking his tongue out.

* In his new autobiography Mike Tyson claims he used a fake penis filled with someone else's urine to beat drug tests. After hearing this Lance Armstrong shouted, “Fake penis! I knew I forgot something.”

* Imagine being the guy hired to fill that? “What do I do? I work for the champ.”

* Ohio State coach Urban Meyer called the BCS system “flawed.” Then, I assume, he went on to point out that the North Korean presidential election system is “imperfect.”

* The San Francisco 49ers new stadium will feature an app notifying fans how long the lines are for the restroom. Call me crazy, but wouldn't it have been better if they took the money spent designing the app and used it to build a extra bathroom?

* Four NFL centers are endorsing a new line of moisturized men's butt wipes. Let me check the list of “Signs You May Need a New Agent.” Yep, here it is, number one: “You're offered a deal endorsing moisturized butt wipes.”

* In the new movie “Delivery Man” Vince Vaughn plays a man who fathered 533 children. Spoiler alert: the movie ends when he's drafted by an NBA team.

* While taping a show for the Golf Channel Chi Chi Rodriguez tried to break a pane of glass 25 yards away. Instead, the ball ricocheted back and hit him in the groin. This means A-Rod had only the second worst week of any athlete named “Rodriguez.”

* This is in the news - Al Gore has become a vegan. Displaying his usual sense of timing Gore goes vegan the week of Thanksgiving.

* President Obama is about to pardon the two White House Thanksgiving turkeys. It's just a good thing a hunter like Dick Cheney never got to be president. Instead of a presidential pardon we'd hear "Pull!"

* While he's in in L.A. Obama visited the home of the creators of the sitcom "Friends." Healthcare is a mess, there's fear Iran may back out of the historic nuclear deal, and what's Obama doing? Sitting around going: "I feel the character of Ross was, for the most part, underutilized."

* Thanksgiving night the annual Holiday of Lights kicks off in downtown Omaha. A million lights go up. My favorite part is when the OPPD executives show up with the dollar signs in their eyes.

* Because the Omaha Holiday Lights Festival is in the Gene Leahy Mall, instead of a sleigh Santa will be using an off-road vehicle to get through the mud.

* Bill Engvall was eliminated from the final four on "Dancing with the Stars." I'm starting to think it's not a true test of dancing ability. Engvall was cut "because his last name is too hard to pronounce."

* Answer: "1,000 to zero." Question: "What kind of a lead would Peyton Manning need to take into the second half against a Tom Brady team to win the game?"

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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