Breaking Brad: Four score and seven years ago... - Omaha.com
Published Tuesday, November 19, 2013 at 10:00 am / Updated at 11:42 am
Breaking Brad: Four score and seven years ago...

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Tuesday marks the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It was one of the most moving, emotional, cerebral moments in U.S. history. Which, of course, we are observing with a 20 percent off on weed-whackers sale at Sears.

* Today, that speech would begin: "Four score and seven years ago, an American began trying to sign up for Obamacare."

* The Gettysburg Address was 272 words long. In today's terms, that's a little less than a few tweets.

* It takes ESPN's Bill Simmons 275 words to give the score of the Boston game.

* The 45-foot-tall blue spruce Christmas tree made it inside the Durham Museum on Monday. The best news is, this year, they only had to tear down half the museum to get it in.

* John S. McCollister, the former director of an Omaha think tank, announced he's running for the Nebraska Legislature. If McCollister's looking for something completely different from a think tank, he'll find it in the Legislature.

* I've often thought of the Nebraska Legislature as an anti-think tank.

* The U.S. launched a third spacecraft, this one called Maven, to Mars. There are also two European spacecraft there. After arriving, Maven will build the first traffic light on Mars.

* NASA has launched Maven on a 10-month journey to Mars. I'm about to embark on a 10-month journey myself. I'm flying commercial over Thanksgiving.

* A farmer in New Hampshire fed his turkeys beer to add girth. Hey, that's worked out pretty well for football fans.

* On Thanksgiving Day, something called the Feast & Feathers Trail Run 5K will be held in Omaha. Of course, because it's Omaha, the trail includes orange traffic cones and a couple of detours.

* The Nebraska poverty rate is among the lowest in the nation. Obviously, this survey was taken before property taxes were due.

* The Dow Jones industrial average passed the 16,000 milestone Monday. It's unclear at this point if that has something to do with the stock market, or it's how many points Baylor scored Saturday.

* Unfortunately, a couple weeks ago, my broker had me take all my money out of the market and invest in a chain of Blockbuster video stores.

* A 600-yard tunnel was discovered between San Diego and Tijuana. With the Obamacare rollout fiasco and the present U.S. Congress, it's being used by Americans in search of a better way of life sneaking into Mexico.

* Obamacare is being “tweaked.” That strikes me as similar to doing a patch job on the Hindenburg.

* President Obama attended the Oregon State-Maryland basketball game. I feel sorry for the fan who missed it because he spent six hours trying to sign up for Obamacare and finally turned the game on with 30 seconds left, just to see Obama doing the Wave.

* I read that Dick Cheney seems to be enjoying retirement. Like many retirees, Cheney has taken up gardening. A little different: To kill weeds, Cheney hits 'em with a SCUD missile.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Some city streets remain closed
EB L Street lane to close
Owners of exotic dance bar deny prostitution allegations
More Nebraskans are electing to vote early
Nebraska's U.S. Senate candidates stick to familiar topics at Omaha forum
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
Gov. Heineman vetoes bill to ease restrictions on nurse practitioners
19-year-old killed in one-vehicle crash at 72nd & Shirley
8% of alcohol sellers checked in Omaha area last week sold booze to minors
OPS bus, SUV collide; no students onboard at the time
Waitress who served alcohol to teen before fatal crash gets jail time, probation
Lori Jenkins, charged as accessory in 4 murders, waives speedy trial
Iowa State servers hacked, nearly 30,000 SSNs at risk
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
2nd District House race: After 8 terms, Lee Terry knows how D.C. works — and doesn't
Bellevue man is killed at Minnesota dance hall after South Sudanese basketball tourney
Spring corn planting still sputters in Nebraska, Iowa, other key states
Nebraska banking and finance director to retire
U.S. Senate race: State Auditor Mike Foley defends Shane Osborn against ad campaign
Public defender to represent Nikko Jenkins in sentencing
Mid-America Center on track for lower operating loss
Bluffs City Council approves dozens of new numbered street lights
National Law Enforcement Memorial Week set for May
Ted Cruz backs Pete Ricketts' campaign for governor
Omahan charged with 5th-offense DUI after street race causes rollover
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COLUMNISTS »
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
The idea that Paul Hogan had studied and then hatched at his mother's table was that older people, rather than moving in with relatives or to an assisted-living center, would much prefer to stay home instead.
Breaking Brad: Into the claw machine! Florida kid follows Lincoln kid's lead
In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., a child climbed inside a claw machine. Hey, Florida kid: Nobody likes a copycat.
Breaking Brad: Even Chuck Hassebrook's throwing mud!
The Nebraska campaigns have turned so ugly, Democrat Chuck Hassebrook lobbed unfounded accusations at an imaginary opponent.
Breaking Brad: Kraft wiener recall is business opportunity for TD Ameritrade Park
Instead of returning the wieners, TD Ameritrade Park is calling them "cheese dogs" and charging double.
Breaking Brad: Photos with the Easter Bunny are so 2010
In a sign of the times, most kids ran out of patience waiting for a photo with the Easter Bunny at the mall, just snapped a selfie and went home.
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