Breaking Brad: Four score and seven years ago... -
Published Tuesday, November 19, 2013 at 10:00 am / Updated at 11:42 am
Breaking Brad: Four score and seven years ago...

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Tuesday marks the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It was one of the most moving, emotional, cerebral moments in U.S. history. Which, of course, we are observing with a 20 percent off on weed-whackers sale at Sears.

* Today, that speech would begin: "Four score and seven years ago, an American began trying to sign up for Obamacare."

* The Gettysburg Address was 272 words long. In today's terms, that's a little less than a few tweets.

* It takes ESPN's Bill Simmons 275 words to give the score of the Boston game.

* The 45-foot-tall blue spruce Christmas tree made it inside the Durham Museum on Monday. The best news is, this year, they only had to tear down half the museum to get it in.

* John S. McCollister, the former director of an Omaha think tank, announced he's running for the Nebraska Legislature. If McCollister's looking for something completely different from a think tank, he'll find it in the Legislature.

* I've often thought of the Nebraska Legislature as an anti-think tank.

* The U.S. launched a third spacecraft, this one called Maven, to Mars. There are also two European spacecraft there. After arriving, Maven will build the first traffic light on Mars.

* NASA has launched Maven on a 10-month journey to Mars. I'm about to embark on a 10-month journey myself. I'm flying commercial over Thanksgiving.

* A farmer in New Hampshire fed his turkeys beer to add girth. Hey, that's worked out pretty well for football fans.

* On Thanksgiving Day, something called the Feast & Feathers Trail Run 5K will be held in Omaha. Of course, because it's Omaha, the trail includes orange traffic cones and a couple of detours.

* The Nebraska poverty rate is among the lowest in the nation. Obviously, this survey was taken before property taxes were due.

* The Dow Jones industrial average passed the 16,000 milestone Monday. It's unclear at this point if that has something to do with the stock market, or it's how many points Baylor scored Saturday.

* Unfortunately, a couple weeks ago, my broker had me take all my money out of the market and invest in a chain of Blockbuster video stores.

* A 600-yard tunnel was discovered between San Diego and Tijuana. With the Obamacare rollout fiasco and the present U.S. Congress, it's being used by Americans in search of a better way of life sneaking into Mexico.

* Obamacare is being “tweaked.” That strikes me as similar to doing a patch job on the Hindenburg.

* President Obama attended the Oregon State-Maryland basketball game. I feel sorry for the fan who missed it because he spent six hours trying to sign up for Obamacare and finally turned the game on with 30 seconds left, just to see Obama doing the Wave.

* I read that Dick Cheney seems to be enjoying retirement. Like many retirees, Cheney has taken up gardening. A little different: To kill weeds, Cheney hits 'em with a SCUD missile.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Teen killed at Gallagher Park was shot in head as he sat in SUV, friend who was wounded says
PAC funded by Senate candidate Ben Sasse's great-uncle releases Shane Osborn attack ad
Nikko Jenkins found guilty of 4 murders
High school slam poets don't just recite verses, 'they leave their hearts beating on the stage'
Attorney: Man accused of trying to open plane's door needs psychiatric evaluation
49-year-old sentenced to 40-50 years for attempted sex assault of child
Brothers looking for pot sentenced for violent home invasion
At Boys Town panel, experts stress it's never too early to educate children
Kelly: New $24M UNO center embodies spirit of newlywed crash victim
Gov. Heineman calls 2014 a 'very good year for Nebraska taxpayers'
Ex-Iowan behind landmark free speech case recounts story in Bellevue
Arrest made in teen's shooting death at Benson's Gallagher Park
Section of 50th Street to close for bridge demolition
Rather than doing $250K in repairs, owner who lives in lot behind 94-year-old house in Dundee razes it
Plans for new $16M YMCA in Council Bluffs at 'critical juncture'
Woodmen request would take nearly $40M in valuation from tax rolls
With fixed AC, Fort Calhoun's nuclear station ends brief shutdown
Windy day could make driving difficult on east-west roads
Richard Brown steps down as Charles Drew Health Center CEO
OPD safety expo set for April 26
Database: How much did Medicare pay your doctor?
Crew working to disassemble International Nutrition plant
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
18-year-old arrested in stolen-car case
U.S. Senate candidate Bart McLeay trails his 3 GOP rivals in fundraising
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Kelly: New $24M UNO center embodies spirit of newlywed crash victim
Jessica Lutton Bedient was killed by a drunken driver at age 26 in 2010. Thursday, the widowed husband and other family members will gather with others at the University of Nebraska at Omaha to dedicate a permanent memorial to Jessica.
Breaking Brad: How much would you pay for a corn dog?
The Arizona Diamondbacks have a new concession item: a $25 corn dog. For that kind of money, it should be stuffed with Bitcoin.
Breaking Brad: Pothole repair crew gets stuck in a pothole
In East Lansing, Mich., a pothole repair crew got stuck inside a pothole. How did this not happen in Omaha?
Breaking Brad: What do the moon, Colorado senators have in common?
How about that "blood red" moon Monday? It was as red as the eyes of a Colorado legislator.
Breaking Brad: Hey, Republicans, are you ready to be audited?
A quick list of audit red flags: 3) You fail to sign your return. 2) You fail to report income. 1) You are a registered Republican.
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