Breaking Brad: Forget the turkey, I can't wait to shop on Thanksgiving - Omaha.com
Published Wednesday, November 13, 2013 at 10:33 am / Updated at 10:57 am
Breaking Brad: Forget the turkey, I can't wait to shop on Thanksgiving

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* A couple of adventurers are planning to drive to the Arctic Circle in the dead of winter in a van. Initially, they were going to drive on some Omaha side streets, but then decided it'd be too icy.

* Sarah Palin will stop in Omaha on Nov. 22 to promote her new holiday-themed book: “How Obama Stole Christmas.” Wait, it's called “Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting The Heart of Christmas.”

* Over the weekend, Palin gave a speech in Iowa. It's official: She's now spent more time in the state of Iowa than she ever spent in Alaska.

* Two candidates have announced their intention to run for Omaha-area seats in the Nebraska Legislature in 2014. How do you prove you're qualified for the Legislature? Show up late for the press conference and then walk into a wall?

* One candidate is a 23-year-old Democrat and the other a 71-year-old Republican. For the first time ever, voters may be able to tell the legislative candidates apart.

* Grammy-winning rapper Eve canceled her VIP performance at the Nebraska Crossing Outlets on Thursday due to a scheduling conflict. Instead, she'll be appearing at the opening of a Kohl's in Fargo.

* In a new PreCheck lane at Eppley Airfield, passengers don't have to remove their shoes. To further expedite things at Eppley, there's a PreLost luggage lane, where they misplace your suitcase before you even take off.

* Walmart will open at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving. This means many Americans will face the most difficult decision of their lives: leftovers or the Walmart discount bin.

* Kmart will open at 6 a.m. Thanksgiving morning. Remember when we used to get up early on Thanksgiving to put the bird in the oven? Now, we're rising to flip the bird at some guy who cut us off in the Kmart parking lot.

* Nothing says Thanksgiving like 1,000 people forming a human battering ram to knock down the doors to Kmart at 5:58.

* Due to a technical glitch, Walmart website's listed treadmills for $33 and computer monitors for $9. Kathleen Sebelius better not be involved in this one.

* Someone suggested this may be Walmart's employee discount, and everyone had a good laugh over that.

* The German magazine Der Spiegel has published part of Edward Snowden's “manifesto.” I'm afraid many Americans have let their subscription to Der Spiegel lapse.

* A heads up to Snowden: Anytime you want to be seen in a positive light, it's best not to pen anything that can be labeled a “manifesto.” Likewise, try to avoid living in a “compound.”

* A manifesto is pretty much a Ted Cruz speech in written form.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Omaha police investigate two nonfatal shootings
Easter Sunday temperatures climb into 80s in Omaha area
City Council to vote on adding Bluffs pedestrian safety lights
Sole big donor to Beau McCoy says he expects nothing in return
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins might await his sentence in prison
Kelly: 70 years after a deadly D-Day rehearsal, Omahan, WWII vet will return to Europe
Midlands runners ready for Boston Marathon
Families from area shelters treated to meal at Old Chicago
Firefighters battle brush fire near Fontenelle Forest
Sioux City riverboat casino prepares to close, still hoping to be saved
Omaha high schoolers to help canvass for Heartland 2050
Mizzou alumni aim to attract veterinary students to Henry Doorly Zoo
Grant ensures that Sioux City can start building children's museum
Party looks to 'nudge' women into public office in Iowa
For birthday, Brownell-Talbot student opts to give, not get
Two taken to hospital after fire at Benson home
Grace: Pipe organ concert a tribute to couple's enduring love
Omaha-area jails and ERs new front line in battling mental illness
Civil rights hearing to consider voting policies in Midwest
17 senators in Nebraska Legislature hit their (term) limits
It's a pursuit of pastel at Spring Lake Park's Easter egg hunt
Financial picture improving for city-owned Mid-America Center
No injuries after fire at midtown's old Mercer Mansion
29-year-old Omahan arrested for 22nd time in Lincoln
Police: Slaying of woman in Ralston apartment likely over drugs
< >
COLUMNISTS »
Kelly: 70 years after a deadly D-Day rehearsal, Omahan, WWII vet will return to Europe
A World War II veteran from Omaha will return this week to Europe to commemorate a tragedy in the run-up to D-Day.
Dickson’s Week in Review, April 13-19
On Twitter some guy tweeted that the spring game isn’t taken as seriously as a regular-season contest. What was your first clue? When the head coach entered waving a cat aloft?
Kelly: A California university president returns to her Nebraska roots on Ivy Day
The main speaker at today's Ivy Day celebration at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is a college president who grew up roping calves and earned her Ph.D. at the prestigious Oxford University in England.
Breaking Brad: Stuck in a claw machine? You get no Easter candy
I know of one kid in Lincoln who will be receiving a lump of coal from the Easter Bunny, just as soon as he's extricated from that bowling alley claw machine.
Breaking Brad: Mountain lion season's over, but the bunny's fair game!
Thursday was the last day of a Nebraska Legislature session. Before leaving town, legislators passed a bill to hold a lottery to hunt the Easter Bunny.
Deadline Deal thumbnail
The Jaipur in Rockbrook Village
Half Off Fine Indian Cuisine & Drinks! $15 for Dinner, or $7 for Lunch
Buy Now
PHOTO GALLERIES »
< >
SPOTLIGHT »
Omaha World-Herald Contests
Enter for a chance to win great prizes.
OWH Store: Buy photos, books and articles
Buy photos, books and articles
Travel Snaps Photo
Going on Vacation? Take the Omaha World-Herald with you and you could the next Travel Snaps winner.
Click here to donate to Goodfellows
The 2011 Goodfellows fund drive provided holiday meals to nearly 5,000 families and their children, and raised more than $500,000 to help families in crisis year round.
WORLD-HERALD ALERTS »
Want to get World-Herald stories sent directly to your home or work computer? Sign up for Omaha.com's News Alerts and you will receive e-mails with the day's top stories.
Can't find what you need? Click here for site map »