Breaking Brad: I'd like to tattoo my tonsils, please -
Published Friday, November 8, 2013 at 2:46 pm / Updated at 3:13 pm
Breaking Brad: I'd like to tattoo my tonsils, please

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.

* Congressional Republicans plan to filibuster President Obama's nominee to the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals. Now, Republicans are filibustering people they've never heard of.

* There was a huge glitch on Walmart's website. Apparently the financial situation is so bad in Washington, D.C., Kathleen Sebelius is moonlighting at Walmart.

* Due to the glitch, treadmills were selling for $33 and computer monitors for $8.85. With those prices, people were mistaking it for the Kmart website.

* Fifty-four protesters, including a number of Walmart employees, were arrested outside a California Walmart. The good news for the busted Walmart employees: It turns out the benefits are better in jail.

* Former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is the next head of the Boy Scouts. That explains why, early this morning, 2,000 scouts were deployed to Afghanistan.

* At the CMAs, Taylor Swift received the Pinnacle Award, which is basically a lifetime achievement award. We need a new rule that you can't receive a lifetime achievement award while you still look sixteen.

* The Friday jobs numbers were better than expected: The economy added 204,000 new jobs in October. Of course, half of those were crisis-control managers for the Miami Dolphins.

* According to the Huffington Post, a UFO was just spotted by a security camera in Michigan. Later, it was reported aliens were seen in Ann Arbor. It turns out those were early arriving Husker fans in their rubber corncob heads and Westerkamp mustaches.

* Headed into this weekend, the Colorado football team is 1-7 in opening coin tosses. The one thing Colorado did well last year, and now that's gone.

* Husker volleyball coach John Cook said noisy crowds at the Devaney Center have helped his team. As a result, Memorial Stadium officials are thinking of moving the student section from adjacent the Waverly exit.

* Former MLB manager Tony La Russa has 17 cats. Sure, it keeps him from missing the game. The odds of getting 17 cats to do what you want are exactly the same as getting a roster of 17 professional athletes to do what you want.

* Renaldo Balkman has tattoos on each of his eyelids. The only thing left for NBA players to tattoo is their tonsils.

* Paul Quinn College in Texas eliminated its football program and replaced the stadium with a farm. I think one more tough loss, and Northwestern will be planting corn on the 40-yard-line at Ryan Field.

Also from Brad: Wikipedia for Congress?

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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