Breaking Brad: Here's how to steal an ATM - Omaha.com
Published Thursday, October 31, 2013 at 10:22 am / Updated at 11:03 am
Breaking Brad: Here's how to steal an ATM

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Happy Halloween. This year, a funnel is included with every trick-or-treat bag sold in the U.S., so at the end of the night, kids can simply inhale their candy.

* There is a new line of “healthy Halloween treats.” These are for the people who are just begging to have their house egged to pass out.

* A team of Omaha data scientists has created an online mapping tool that shows the way to maximum candy collection by combining Census data with retail spending survey data. Oh, shut up!

* A Lincoln archery range is offering a family night on Halloween for people looking for a safer, healthier alternative to trick-or-treating. Dad shooting an apple off Junior's head?

* I'm sorry, but children today are spoiled. I saw a group of kids at a Halloween party bobbing for iPhones.

* To scare kids on Halloween night, I plan to play a recording of State Sen. Scott Lautenbaugh saying they must be able to read at a third-grade level to get to fourth grade.

* Popular children's costumes include the “baby pimp.” Who can dare criticize Halloween when we have kids exposed to these kinds of role models?

* “Look, Bill. It's little Jason from next door. And he makes the cutest pimp.”

* The ghost costume is “back.” This is undoubtedly courtesy of some lazy parents. “Mommy, what's my costume for Halloween?” “Uh, here. I'll cut some holes in this old sheet, and you go as a ghost. It's back.”

* Two of the big Halloween costumes for kids this year are the “Hooters Girl” and the Katy Perry. The difference: The Hooters Girl wears more clothes.

* There's another stalemate in Congress. Total gridlock, with half the members of Congress voting for “trick” and the other half “treat.”

* An ATM machine was stolen from the Douglas County Treasurer's office by hooking it up to a tow chain. This was either the work of a hardened criminal or a Douglas County homeowner trying to get his property tax money back.

* At last report, Carl Pelini was breaking down some film. And that film is “Up In Smoke.”

* In Forbes' annual World's Most Powerful People list, President Obama was ranked No. 2, behind Vladimir Putin. This hasn't been a good week for Obama. You've got the eavesdropping scandal, all the Obamacare glitches and now he finished behind the leader of a country where people can't get toilet paper.

* President Obama blamed himself for the Obamacare website mess Wednesday, and, separately, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius blamed herself. Now, Washington can't even agree on who screwed up.

* HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius testified before Congress on Wednesday. Incumbent members of Congress had a depressing epiphany after realizing that Sebelius' job is still more secure than theirs.

* Suzanne Somers called the Affordable Care Act a “Ponzi scheme” in a Wall Street Journal piece. There are more upcoming exciting Wall Street Journal pieces. Carrot Top is writing an editorial on the debt ceiling and Pamela Anderson will be penning an op-ed on the feasibility of Chinese tariffs.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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