* * * * * * * * * *
Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.
* "Dancing with the Stars" voted off another crowd favorite: Valerie Harper. America is outraged. I love the priorities. We elect the biggest doofuses on earth to Congress, and we can handle that. But let Valerie Harper and Bill Nye get booted from a dance show, and Americans take to the streets.
* There is some progress to report in the gridlock surrounding the government shutdown. The two sides still aren't talking, but today on Capitol Hill, a Democrat and a Republican almost made eye contact.
* This is not good. An estimated 90,000 Americans have developed ulcers and another 50,000 high blood pressure due to the frustration of trying to sign up for Obamacare on the official website.
* A "coalition of tea party truck drivers" are planning shutdown protest by blocking traffic on an Interstate highway leading into Washington, D.C. What better way to end the shutdown than to create a huge traffic jam so members of Congress can't even get to work?
* There is a new product on the market: a “kitty house” in the shape of Buckingham Palace that sells for $2,500. “Tell me again why I can't go to college, Mom?” “Because we blew your college tuition on that house for Boo Boo.”
* Because most cats aren't spoiled enough without living in a replica of Buckingham Palace.
* A dog body language expert is offering subtle tips to look for to determine if your dog likes you. I think I'll stick with my old formula: If my dog knocks me to the ground licking my face and wagging his tail when I get home from work, he probably thinks I'm OK.
* Broncos' suspended linebacker Von Miller used a urine collector to try to beat a drug test. The urine collector was “star struck” and wanted to get close to an athlete. And I thought autographs were dumb.
* A high-school football coach in Utah suspended his entire team -- all 80 players. Because it's Utah, I'm guessing they missed their 6:05 p.m. curfew.
* Tim Tebow reportedly turned down $1 million to play for a team in Russia. I have a sneaky suspicion, a year or two from now, Johnny Manziel will be taking that offer.
* UNO's hockey team won an exhibition against the Northern Alberta Institute of Technology. Northern Alberta Institute of Technology? Didn't the Ohio State football team play them earlier this season?
* UNO's new hockey arena will include bicycle parking. It sounds like someone has faith in global warming.
* An 80-year-old Colorado weightlifter has been banned for two years after testing positive for steroids. The 80-year-old was exposed after Jose Canseco showed up at the nursing home demanding he be tested.