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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* According to a new study, the world will end between 1.75 and 3.25 billion years from now. That’s enough time to finish about half the current road projects in Omaha.
* The world will end between 1.75 billion and 3.25 billion years from now. Rep. Lee Terry said: "I was planning to step down then anyway."
* That’s enough time for Cher to visit the Omaha-Council Bluffs area on her farewell tour 150 more times.
* There has recently been a problem with someone breaking into cars in UNO parking lots. That’s crazy. Everyone knows the big money is in the UNO parking meters.
* There is good news for those attempting to sign up for Obamacare online: By the time you get past all the glitches and can register, you’ll be old enough to qualify for Medicare.
* The federal government remains shut down. President Obama has proposed a solution to pay the 800,000 furloughed federal workers. He wants to hold a $90-million-per-plate luncheon.
* During the government shutdown, a Washington, D.C., restaurant is charging members of Congress double. I think I just found my new favorite restaurant.
* President Obama's scheduled to leave for Asia on Saturday night. Due to the government's financial problems, he’s flying Southwest Airlines. He has to change planes 29 times to get there.
* Due to the intransigence of Congress, Yellowstone Park is closed. This means Old Faithful has been ruined by the Old Unfaithfuls.
* Rep. John Boehner responded to Obama’s speech with an opinion piece in USA Today. I think I see the problem. Instead of speaking to one another, Obama is giving speeches and Boehner is writing op-eds for USA Today.
* According to a new CNN poll, Congress has a disapproval rating of 87 percent. To put that in perspective, polyps are at 86 percent.
* The Affordable Care Act has a new name. It is now formally known as the Impossible To Navigate The Website Act.
* There is an allegation that Cap'n Crunch is not an actual captain. It's nice to see Americans have moved on from their obsession with zombies.
* In Oakland, Calif., a cannabis college has opened. Every course deals with marijuana. "Mom, Dad: I have good news and bad news. First, the good news: I was accepted into college..."
* Here’s the embarrassing thing: On the list of schools that will be invited to join the Big Ten, Cannabis College is two slots ahead of Missouri.
* I understand that, in next year’s nonconference schedule, Cannabis College will be playing Ohio State.