Breaking Brad: Tom Hanks is coolest jury member ever -
Published Monday, September 30, 2013 at 12:01 am / Updated at 3:05 pm
Breaking Brad: Tom Hanks is coolest jury member ever

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.

* Regarding a federal government shutdown, it's still possible that common sense will prevail. If only we'd elected somebody with common sense.

* It's going from bad to worse. You hear the latest? Tea party members may be willing to vote to keep government open if the White House Easter egg hunt is rigged so a Republican kid wins.

* Mark Cuban's trial for alleged insider trading began Monday morning in Dallas. It's going well. So far Cuban's only been called for two technicals and fined once.

* The Voyager 1 spacecraft has passed through the end of our solar system. To put into perspective how far that is, Voyager 1 has traveled almost as many yards as Peyton Manning passed for against the Eagles.

* The Denver Broncos are putting up so many points that they're breaking scoring records set by video game players.

* According to a published report, the Obamas' new dog, Sunny, is a Republican. OK, I think the division between the parties has reached a new low.

* Obama realized the dog was Republican when the president told Sunny to “Sit. Stay. Roll over,” and the dog didn't do one of 'em.

* Actor Tom Hanks recently served on a jury. Sure, that's the only way you can get Americans to show up for jury duty – if there's a chance to meet a celebrity.

* When he heard a celebrity was there, President Obama also volunteered for the jury.

* Over the weekend, many museums around the U.S. offered free admittance and thousands of coffee shops offered free coffee. Americans had to decide between learning about our illustrious heritage or free lattes. Our illustrious heritage never stood a chance.

* A large testicle-biting fish has been discovered in a lake in New Jersey. That can take some of the fun out of a fisherman pulling a fresh catch into the boat.

* On Sunday, the Steelers played the Vikings in London. The Vikings were excited to be in London. Many had never been to a place where the weather was even drearier than it is in Minnesota.

* According to reports, the Baltimore Ravens' Jacoby Jones was injured after being hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea on a party bus in Washington, D.C.. Forty-three members of the U.S. Congress said, “Oh, Sweet Pea, sure. No surprise there.”

* Tampa Bay pitcher Fernando Rodney was trapped in a dugout restroom after the door jammed. This sounds like something that'd happen to the Cubs in late September. “Remember that year we had the pennant won until our pitcher missed the last two innings after getting stuck in the john?”

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Agreement reached to end dog racing at Bluffs Run at end of 2015
Police probe bank robbery
Man accused of trying to open flying plane's door pleads not guilty
Ben Sasse shifts tactics, calls ad by Shane Osborn 'hypocritical'
Forecast on the upswing after Thursday's rain
EB Harney Street lane closed
Ex-UNMC student loses appeal; claimed program didn't make accommodations for his depression
Grace: Your older self has a request — use sunscreen
At NU's helm, J.B. Milliken built the university by building relationships with state leaders
City's Personnel Board is behind ‘ban-the-box’ proposal
World champion Crawford's promoter working to have title defense at CenturyLink Center
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
Richard Paul Dreier, 90, was wounded in attack during WWII
Police issue arrest warrant in teen's shooting death
Beau McCoy calls Pete Ricketts a 'convenient conservative' for immigration stance
Kelly: Huskers' glory days of '80s live on — on the small screen and on stage
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
Database: How much did Medicare pay your doctor?
Construction to start in May on West Broadway apartment/retail structure
3 Nebraska Board of Education candidates call for high standards
Douglas County Board candidates say they aren't ruled by party
Video: Stothert says Crossroads project is 'full speed ahead,' but she won't support bond issue
Ex-Obama official urges approval of Keystone XL pipeline
Benefit to be held for family of Omaha shooting victim
New Alegent Creighton Clinic to open in Council Bluffs
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Breaking Brad: 117-mph riding lawnmowers and 12-scoop banana splits
The Chicago White Sox are selling a 12-scoop banana split inside a full-size batting helmet for $17. You know what you'd call someone in Chicago who'd eat this? "Health nut."
Breaking Brad: Walmart beats Russia, stakes a claim on the moon
Russia is claiming it owns a section of the moon. If you follow the news, you know this probably doesn't end well.
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
The idea that Paul Hogan had studied and then hatched at his mother's table was that older people, rather than moving in with relatives or to an assisted-living center, would much prefer to stay home instead.
Kelly: Huskers' glory days of '80s live on — on the small screen and on stage
The 1984 NFL draft was unusual for the Nebraska Cornhuskers, and these days it's remembered in the name of a rock band, the 1984 Draft. Tonight, the band is featured on the NFL Network.
Breaking Brad: Nebraska GOP candidates unified against naked squirrels
Some of these Nebraska campaigns are tilting pretty far right. At a recent forum, there was a consensus that we need to ban public dancing and clothe naked squirrels in public parks.
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