Breaking Brad: Tom Hanks is coolest jury member ever - Omaha.com
Published Monday, September 30, 2013 at 12:01 am / Updated at 3:05 pm
Breaking Brad: Tom Hanks is coolest jury member ever

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.

* Regarding a federal government shutdown, it's still possible that common sense will prevail. If only we'd elected somebody with common sense.

* It's going from bad to worse. You hear the latest? Tea party members may be willing to vote to keep government open if the White House Easter egg hunt is rigged so a Republican kid wins.

* Mark Cuban's trial for alleged insider trading began Monday morning in Dallas. It's going well. So far Cuban's only been called for two technicals and fined once.

* The Voyager 1 spacecraft has passed through the end of our solar system. To put into perspective how far that is, Voyager 1 has traveled almost as many yards as Peyton Manning passed for against the Eagles.

* The Denver Broncos are putting up so many points that they're breaking scoring records set by video game players.

* According to a published report, the Obamas' new dog, Sunny, is a Republican. OK, I think the division between the parties has reached a new low.

* Obama realized the dog was Republican when the president told Sunny to “Sit. Stay. Roll over,” and the dog didn't do one of 'em.

* Actor Tom Hanks recently served on a jury. Sure, that's the only way you can get Americans to show up for jury duty – if there's a chance to meet a celebrity.

* When he heard a celebrity was there, President Obama also volunteered for the jury.

* Over the weekend, many museums around the U.S. offered free admittance and thousands of coffee shops offered free coffee. Americans had to decide between learning about our illustrious heritage or free lattes. Our illustrious heritage never stood a chance.

* A large testicle-biting fish has been discovered in a lake in New Jersey. That can take some of the fun out of a fisherman pulling a fresh catch into the boat.

* On Sunday, the Steelers played the Vikings in London. The Vikings were excited to be in London. Many had never been to a place where the weather was even drearier than it is in Minnesota.

* According to reports, the Baltimore Ravens' Jacoby Jones was injured after being hit in the head with a champagne bottle by a stripper named Sweet Pea on a party bus in Washington, D.C.. Forty-three members of the U.S. Congress said, “Oh, Sweet Pea, sure. No surprise there.”

* Tampa Bay pitcher Fernando Rodney was trapped in a dugout restroom after the door jammed. This sounds like something that'd happen to the Cubs in late September. “Remember that year we had the pennant won until our pitcher missed the last two innings after getting stuck in the john?”

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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