Breaking Brad: Government shutdown basically the least crazy thing in D.C. - Omaha.com
Published Monday, September 30, 2013 at 12:01 am / Updated at 12:58 pm
Breaking Brad: Government shutdown basically the least crazy thing in D.C.

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Activists are asking OPPD to stop burning coal at its north Omaha plant. A tip to any activists from out of the area: If you want OPPD officials to do something, it's always best to try to tie it to a consumer rate increase.

* The price tag for the new UNO arena has increased $11.6 million. To make up the difference, UNO will likely raise the price of a pass to park on campus to $9,500.

* The federal government is scheduled to shut down at midnight Monday. Just enough time for Sen. Ted Cruz to read “The Cat in the Hat” on the Senate floor.

* In event of a federal government shutdown, essential personnel stay on the job and nonessential personnel do not. That means that Michelle Obama and George Clooney would continue working in the White House and President Obama would be teeing off somewhere.

* If nonessential government personnel are sent home, that means there will be one guy still working in the House of Representatives.

* If a government shutdown lasts more than a couple days, many NASA activities will halt. Before that, can someone arrange for the 55-foot robotic arm to give the finger to Congress?

* Regarding a government shutdown: We already knew that in Congress we elected a bunch of incompetent, do-nothing, moronic doofuses, but now it appears they're worse than that.

* A government shutdown may delay Colorado flood relief. Suggested campaign commercial for anyone running against an incumbent: a split screen showing Sen. Ted Cruz reading “Green Eggs and Ham” with flood visuals on the other side.

* The only way things go downhill from here is if Republicans try to tie keeping the government open to a potential pardon for the White House Thanksgiving turkey.

* Michele Bachmann recently compared President Obama to a British tyrant. So at least the two parties are making an effort to get along.

* In Scott Township, Pa., there's a controversy over some supposed penis shaped concrete pillars. Let's just all hope Congress doesn't tie this one to the government shutdown.

* USC fired football coach Lane Kiffin. Kiffin will be back. He's only 38, or, as that's called in college football, “half a Bill Snyder.”

* To replace Kiffin, USC reportedly wants someone familiar with the program with high visibility. How about Snoop Lion?

* During a debate with Skip Bayless on ESPN, Stephen A. Smith appeared to fall asleep. According to a quick survey, 90 percent of sports viewers would rather watch a guy sleep on ESPN than sample the NFL Network.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Police question suspected burglar; 12-year-old was home alone
Crew working to disassemble International Nutrition plant
Lawyer: Man had right to hand out religious fliers outside Pinnacle Bank Arena
Inmate accused of partially tearing off another's testicles charged with assault
Firefighters put out duplex blaze in N.W. Omaha
Woodmen request would take nearly $40M in valuation from tax rolls
Coffee with a Cop set for Thursday in Benson
In TV ad, Shane Osborn says Ben Sasse 'beholden to Washington'
Douglas County offices accepting credit, debit cards
Teen killed in shooting at Benson's Gallagher Park
Ben Sasse raises more money than U.S. Senate foes Shane Osborn and Sid Dinsdale
Parched Omaha soil soaks up record precipitation
Engineering student harnesses girl power, starts engineering-science club at Gomez Elementary
WB Dodge Street lane closed
Ex-Omaha Mayor Hal Daub endorses Shane Osborn for U.S. Senate seat
New Doane College program promises free tuition for first class
No more last-minute hiring of Omaha Public Schools teachers
Database: How much did Medicare pay your doctor?
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
Lunar eclipse was visible in the Omaha area
2 arrested in west Omaha hotel TV thefts
You can tape a cable TV access show at new city-built studio in Omaha
Nancy's Almanac, April 15, 2014: Where did snow, rain fall?
Bellevue man gets 25 years in Mills County sex abuse case
Gov. Heineman, first lady Sally Ganem urge Nebraskans to volunteer
< >
COLUMNISTS »
Breaking Brad: What do the moon, Colorado senators have in common?
How about that "blood red" moon Monday? It was as red as the eyes of a Colorado legislator.
Breaking Brad: Hey, Republicans, are you ready to be audited?
A quick list of audit red flags: 3) You fail to sign your return. 2) You fail to report income. 1) You are a registered Republican.
Breaking Brad: Next year, Bo Pelini brings a mountain lion to the spring game
Before the spring game, Bo Pelini carried a cat onto the field. With Bo's personality, it'd have been more appropriate for him to carry a mountain lion.
Breaking Brad: Bo Pelini's cat lets spring game intro go to its head
Coach Bo Pelini took the field before the spring game holding a cat aloft. Typical cat. He was undoubtedly thinking, “Sixty thousand people, all cheering for me!”
Kelly: 3 former Nebraskans all take seats at the table of international diplomacy
Three former residents of the Cornhusker State are working together at the U.S. Embassy in Paris, and one took part in a recent high-level meeting about Ukraine.
Deadline Deal thumbnail
Schweser's
$25 for a $50 gift card to use at Schweser's!
Buy Now
PHOTO GALLERIES »
< >
SPOTLIGHT »
Omaha World-Herald Contests
Enter for a chance to win great prizes.
OWH Store: Buy photos, books and articles
Buy photos, books and articles
Travel Snaps Photo
Going on Vacation? Take the Omaha World-Herald with you and you could the next Travel Snaps winner.
Click here to donate to Goodfellows
The 2011 Goodfellows fund drive provided holiday meals to nearly 5,000 families and their children, and raised more than $500,000 to help families in crisis year round.
WORLD-HERALD ALERTS »
Want to get World-Herald stories sent directly to your home or work computer? Sign up for Omaha.com's News Alerts and you will receive e-mails with the day's top stories.
Can't find what you need? Click here for site map »