Breaking Brad: Government shutdown basically the least crazy thing in D.C. -
Published Monday, September 30, 2013 at 12:01 am / Updated at 12:58 pm
Breaking Brad: Government shutdown basically the least crazy thing in D.C.

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* Activists are asking OPPD to stop burning coal at its north Omaha plant. A tip to any activists from out of the area: If you want OPPD officials to do something, it's always best to try to tie it to a consumer rate increase.

* The price tag for the new UNO arena has increased $11.6 million. To make up the difference, UNO will likely raise the price of a pass to park on campus to $9,500.

* The federal government is scheduled to shut down at midnight Monday. Just enough time for Sen. Ted Cruz to read “The Cat in the Hat” on the Senate floor.

* In event of a federal government shutdown, essential personnel stay on the job and nonessential personnel do not. That means that Michelle Obama and George Clooney would continue working in the White House and President Obama would be teeing off somewhere.

* If nonessential government personnel are sent home, that means there will be one guy still working in the House of Representatives.

* If a government shutdown lasts more than a couple days, many NASA activities will halt. Before that, can someone arrange for the 55-foot robotic arm to give the finger to Congress?

* Regarding a government shutdown: We already knew that in Congress we elected a bunch of incompetent, do-nothing, moronic doofuses, but now it appears they're worse than that.

* A government shutdown may delay Colorado flood relief. Suggested campaign commercial for anyone running against an incumbent: a split screen showing Sen. Ted Cruz reading “Green Eggs and Ham” with flood visuals on the other side.

* The only way things go downhill from here is if Republicans try to tie keeping the government open to a potential pardon for the White House Thanksgiving turkey.

* Michele Bachmann recently compared President Obama to a British tyrant. So at least the two parties are making an effort to get along.

* In Scott Township, Pa., there's a controversy over some supposed penis shaped concrete pillars. Let's just all hope Congress doesn't tie this one to the government shutdown.

* USC fired football coach Lane Kiffin. Kiffin will be back. He's only 38, or, as that's called in college football, “half a Bill Snyder.”

* To replace Kiffin, USC reportedly wants someone familiar with the program with high visibility. How about Snoop Lion?

* During a debate with Skip Bayless on ESPN, Stephen A. Smith appeared to fall asleep. According to a quick survey, 90 percent of sports viewers would rather watch a guy sleep on ESPN than sample the NFL Network.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

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