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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* Derek Fey of Omaha won the Omaha Marathon in 2:35:53. With all the road construction in town, it took him two hours, 37 minutes to drive home.
* Omaha officials were going to close some city streets for the marathon, but they couldn't find any that weren't already closed.
* After finishing, Fey announced he is retiring from marathon running. If you've ever run a marathon, you know that of the 1,000 marathon entrants, about 950 others said the same thing.
* The Omaha Marathon course keeps getting easier, to attract more participants. At this rate, by 2022 you will be able to take the bus halfway.
* Beginning Monday, a section of the Keystone Trail near 72nd Street will be closed for repairs. We have bottomed out. Now you can't go hiking in Omaha without encountering orange barrels.
* Many are trying to capitalize on the newfound popularity of Nebraska's football coach. Two gubernatorial candidates are planning to get “I'm A Boliever” tattoos.
* There is a new movement in college football. On Saturday, players from Northwestern, Georgia and Georgia Tech wore wristbands reading “APU,” which stands for “All Players United.” Except at Oklahoma State, where it stands for: “Alumni Pay Us.”
* The movement is APU. Bo Pelini calls it APFU.
* The Republican-led U.S. Congress voted to reduce the food stamp program. Republicans are targeting those on food stamps, the Obama administration is targeting the wealthy, and both appear focused on completely destroying the shrinking middle class. So it looks like Washington has it covered.
* The U.S. Congress voted to reduce the food-stamp program by five percent. This, after members of Congress realized not one person on food stamps has ever made a six-figure donation to their re-election campaigns.
* It looks like there may be a government shutdown unless Democrats and Republicans in the House and Senate can agree on a stopgap measure. If you follow politics closely, you know there are better odds of pigs flying over the Pentagon.
* Democrats and Republicans in the House and Senate must agree to stave off a government shutdown. To get the odds of this happening, figure the odds of winning last week's $400 million Powerball lottery and then double 'em.
* There are better odds of getting hit by lightning while being attacked by a shark.
* According to a new World Happiness Report, Canada is one of the six happiest nations in the world. Obviously the data was gathered during the Stanley Cup finals.
* The U.S. finished 17th in the happiness report, just behind Mexico. Do all those people coming across the border into the U.S. realize they're losing one spot on the happiness scale?
* A lady has been unofficially deemed the world's most polite person. She flew to New York City to pick up her award, and within two minutes of landing was cursing, spitting and flipping off cab drivers.
* Reportedly, Pippa Middleton may be secretly engaged. When he asked her to spend her life with him, Barbara Walters popped up in the back seat shouting: “She will! She will!”
* Mike Tyson has launched a career as a boxing promoter to try and restore the image of boxing. If this ex-con with the facial tattoo who once bit part of the ear off a competitor can't restore the image of boxing, who can?
* Professional golfer Pawel Japol shot a 109 in his opening round at the European Challenge event. Now millions of golfers around the world can legitimately say when asked: “My game? Oh, I'm playing like a pro.”