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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* An eastbound lane of Dodge Street in Omaha is closed “in various locations” from 40th Street to Turner Boulevard for road resurfacing. City officials admit this will “inconvenience” commuters. Sort of the same way that the iceberg “inconvenienced” the Titanic.
* Omaha officials suggested some alternate routes to get from west Omaha to downtown. Due to all the road closures in town, the best alternate route takes you through Falls City.
* This year, Lincoln debuts a “smart” parking meter. Only in eastern Nebraska do we have smart meters and dumb drivers.
* I guess if you over-park, when you get back to your car, the smart meters go: “Hey idiot. See that thing on your windshield? That's called a ticket.”
* The first hurricane of the season, Humberto, is producing winds near 85 mph. 85? When the wind speed in eastern Nebraska slows to 85, we take advantage to put up the Christmas lights.
* You know what the TV weather people in Lincoln say when the wind speed is 85 mph? “It's relatively calm outdoors.”
* Nebraska State Fair attendance dipped slightly this year. Sure, when you're serving food like Fried Spam on a Stick, you're not going to have a lot of repeat business from the year before due to mortality.
* A man in a Barack Obama mask tried to rob a bank in New Hampshire. At first, the tellers thought: “This guy is desperate to fund Obamacare.”
* Then, they realized it wasn't the actual Barack Obama because there weren't any celebrities with him.
* Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for The New York Times to reach the American people. In that case, he would've been better off spreading his message by opening up a Twitter account called “Fake Rex Ryan.”
* President Obama is breaking precedent. When he speaks to the American people, it's typically from the East Room of the White House, not the Oval Office. That's probably because he doesn't want Americans see the putting green and 20 autographed George Clooney posters.
* On Wednesday, Secretary of State John Kerry met with Henry Kissinger. For you young people: Before Dennis Rodman came along, Kissinger was considered the world's foreign policy expert.
* Police in New Zealand are searching for a man dressed as a cow who entered a food store and stole several steaks. OK, now here's where the story starts to get weird...
* The man in the cow suit was described as about 40 years of age and slender. You know, so he's not confused with all the other thieves dressed as cows.
* An 11-year-old boy is enrolled as a full-time student at Texas Christian University. When I was 11, I couldn't wait to finish the book I was reading to see if Jack and Jill made it to the top of the hill.
* A father in Cleveland in paying for his daughter's wedding by selling a classic Super-Man comic book. He had to decide between his daughter's wedding and his favorite childhood comic. Most guys would go: “I'm thinking. I'm thinking.”
* In tribute, the least the groom could do is don a Spider-Man suit for the nuptials.