Breaking Brad: Does President Obama have a second job? - Omaha.com
Published Thursday, September 12, 2013 at 10:29 am / Updated at 3:30 pm
Breaking Brad: Does President Obama have a second job?

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on Omaha.com and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at omaha.com/dickson and follow him on Twitter.

* * * * * * * * * *

Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.

* An eastbound lane of Dodge Street in Omaha is closed “in various locations” from 40th Street to Turner Boulevard for road resurfacing. City officials admit this will “inconvenience” commuters. Sort of the same way that the iceberg “inconvenienced” the Titanic.

* Omaha officials suggested some alternate routes to get from west Omaha to downtown. Due to all the road closures in town, the best alternate route takes you through Falls City.

* This year, Lincoln debuts a “smart” parking meter. Only in eastern Nebraska do we have smart meters and dumb drivers.

* I guess if you over-park, when you get back to your car, the smart meters go: “Hey idiot. See that thing on your windshield? That's called a ticket.”

* The first hurricane of the season, Humberto, is producing winds near 85 mph. 85? When the wind speed in eastern Nebraska slows to 85, we take advantage to put up the Christmas lights.

* You know what the TV weather people in Lincoln say when the wind speed is 85 mph? “It's relatively calm outdoors.”

* Nebraska State Fair attendance dipped slightly this year. Sure, when you're serving food like Fried Spam on a Stick, you're not going to have a lot of repeat business from the year before due to mortality.

* A man in a Barack Obama mask tried to rob a bank in New Hampshire. At first, the tellers thought: “This guy is desperate to fund Obamacare.”

* Then, they realized it wasn't the actual Barack Obama because there weren't any celebrities with him.

* Vladimir Putin wrote an op-ed for The New York Times to reach the American people. In that case, he would've been better off spreading his message by opening up a Twitter account called “Fake Rex Ryan.”

* President Obama is breaking precedent. When he speaks to the American people, it's typically from the East Room of the White House, not the Oval Office. That's probably because he doesn't want Americans see the putting green and 20 autographed George Clooney posters.

* On Wednesday, Secretary of State John Kerry met with Henry Kissinger. For you young people: Before Dennis Rodman came along, Kissinger was considered the world's foreign policy expert.

* Police in New Zealand are searching for a man dressed as a cow who entered a food store and stole several steaks. OK, now here's where the story starts to get weird...

* The man in the cow suit was described as about 40 years of age and slender. You know, so he's not confused with all the other thieves dressed as cows.

* An 11-year-old boy is enrolled as a full-time student at Texas Christian University. When I was 11, I couldn't wait to finish the book I was reading to see if Jack and Jill made it to the top of the hill.

* A father in Cleveland in paying for his daughter's wedding by selling a classic Super-Man comic book. He had to decide between his daughter's wedding and his favorite childhood comic. Most guys would go: “I'm thinking. I'm thinking.”

* In tribute, the least the groom could do is don a Spider-Man suit for the nuptials.

Want more Brad? Scroll through his author archive here.

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson

brad.dickson@owh.com    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Council Bluffs school board approves new district headquarters
Officials announce effort to lure more veterans to Nebraska
SB 132nd Street lane closed
Shane Osborn grabs several endorsements
New public employee pay data: Douglas, Lancaster, Sarpy Counties, plus utilities
Database: How much did Medicare pay your doctor?
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
Firefighters take on 'fully engulfed barn fire'
Man's body found near North 36th, Seward Streets
Omaha area may get 1 inch of rain tonight
Gov. Heineman vetoes bill to ease restrictions on nurse practitioners
Nebraska banking and finance director to retire
Waitress who served alcohol to teen before fatal crash gets jail time, probation
Owners of exotic dance bar deny prostitution allegations
More Nebraskans are electing to vote early
A day after Ricketts endorsement, Ted Cruz backs Sasse for Senate
TD Ameritrade says profit up 35 percent in second quarter
Some city streets remain closed
Nebraska's U.S. Senate candidates stick to familiar topics at Omaha forum
19-year-old killed in one-vehicle crash at 72nd & Shirley
8% of alcohol sellers checked in Omaha area last week sold booze to minors
OPS bus, SUV collide; no students onboard at the time
Lori Jenkins, charged as accessory in 4 murders, waives speedy trial
Iowa State servers hacked, nearly 30,000 SSNs at risk
2nd District House race: After 8 terms, Lee Terry knows how D.C. works — and doesn't
< >
COLUMNISTS »
Breaking Brad: Inside the mind of a 99-year-old real estate agent
I saw an article about a 99-year-old real estate agent who's still working. “This house is extra special. It has indoor toilets!”
Kelly: Started at a dining room table, Home Instead thriving at 20 with $1B in annual revenue
The idea that Paul Hogan had studied and then hatched at his mother's table was that older people, rather than moving in with relatives or to an assisted-living center, would much prefer to stay home instead.
Breaking Brad: Into the claw machine! Florida kid follows Lincoln kid's lead
In Fort Lauderdale, Fla., a child climbed inside a claw machine. Hey, Florida kid: Nobody likes a copycat.
Breaking Brad: Even Chuck Hassebrook's throwing mud!
The Nebraska campaigns have turned so ugly, Democrat Chuck Hassebrook lobbed unfounded accusations at an imaginary opponent.
Breaking Brad: Kraft wiener recall is business opportunity for TD Ameritrade Park
Instead of returning the wieners, TD Ameritrade Park is calling them "cheese dogs" and charging double.
Deadline Deal thumbnail
Tokyo Sushi
$5 for $10 or $10 for $20 toward All-You-Can-Eat Sushi Purchase
Buy Now
PHOTO GALLERIES »
< >
SPOTLIGHT »
Omaha World-Herald Contests
Enter for a chance to win great prizes.
OWH Store: Buy photos, books and articles
Buy photos, books and articles
Travel Snaps Photo
Going on Vacation? Take the Omaha World-Herald with you and you could the next Travel Snaps winner.
Click here to donate to Goodfellows
The 2011 Goodfellows fund drive provided holiday meals to nearly 5,000 families and their children, and raised more than $500,000 to help families in crisis year round.
WORLD-HERALD ALERTS »
Want to get World-Herald stories sent directly to your home or work computer? Sign up for Omaha.com's News Alerts and you will receive e-mails with the day's top stories.
Can't find what you need? Click here for site map »