Breaking Brad: Proper hydration booed at Memorial Stadium -
Published Thursday, September 12, 2013 at 2:49 pm / Updated at 3:24 pm
Breaking Brad: Proper hydration booed at Memorial Stadium

Brad Dickson's humor column, "Breaking Brad," appears daily on and in The World-Herald. To read more from Brad, check out his past columns at and follow him on Twitter.

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Brad's afternoon edition. Click here to read Brad's morning jokes.

* Husker fans will not be allowed to bring water into Memorial Stadium for Saturday's game. This may be the first sporting event where you can enter with a 9-foot hollowed-out corncob on your noggin', but get stopped by security because you're toting a bottle of water.

* Judging by Apple's stock price, the new iPhones are not going over well. I think the African killer bees got a better reception in the U.S.

* A man wearing a Barack Obama mask tried to rob a bank in New Hampshire. In a sign of the times, he was thwarted by 25 guys disguised as Republican members of Congress.

* According to a new survey, 48 percent of Americans believe that extraterrestrials exist on Earth. According to another survey, 10 percent of Americans have faith in Congress. Yeah, those figures sound about right.

* I thought I was reading a story on the national debt. The figure turned out to be the amount of Ndamukong Suh's latest fine.

* In Maury County, Tenn., a sheriff's deputy was reprimanded for firing his gun to scare off a turkey that was defecating on the hood of his patrol car. This sounds like a scene that was edited out of “Police Academy VII.”

* The baby panda born a couple of weeks ago at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., is doing great after receiving round-the-clock medical care. See, this proves that Obamacare is viable -- for pandas.

* Johnny Manziel is on the cover of Time magazine. I only hope this doesn't go to his head. I'd hate to see him start acting cocky.

* Five former SEC football players are accused of receiving improper benefits. I know what you're thinking -- sounds way too low.

* A new study finds fans of losing NFL teams are more likely to get “fat.” If that's true, they must widen the seats at Arrowhead Stadium every other season.

* The University of Kentucky football program mailed 152 letters to a QB recruit and 182 letters to a tackle recruit in one day. Ironically, the program would've had a better chance of landing each player with a two-character tweet.

* Founding members of the music group KISS, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons, are new co-owners of an Arena League expansion team called the L.A. KISS. Considering how he feels about attention, Gene Simmons should name himself starting quarterback any day now.

* Major League Baseball is getting expanded instant replay. This will lengthen games. In the future, you'll be able to fly to Mars and back in the time it takes to play a doubleheader.

* Michelle Kwan has been hired by Fox Sports to cover the Winter Olympics. For the first time, a figure-skating announcer will know what a Salchow and triple-toe loop look like and won't just make it all up.

Also from Brad: Does President Obama have a second job?

Contact the writer: Brad Dickson    |   402-444-1019    |  

Brad comments in a funny way on topical events in the news and the wide world of sports.

Sioux City riverboat casino prepares to close, still hoping to be saved
Omaha high schoolers to help canvass for Heartland 2050
Mizzou alumni aim to attract veterinary students to Henry Doorly Zoo
Grant ensures that Sioux City can start building children's museum
Party looks to 'nudge' women into public office in Iowa
For birthday, Brownell-Talbot student opts to give, not get
Sole big donor to Beau McCoy says he expects nothing in return
Two taken to hospital after fire at Benson home
Grace: Pipe organ concert a tribute to couple's enduring love
Omaha-area jails and ERs new front line in battling mental illness
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins might await his sentence in prison
Kelly: 70 years after a deadly D-Day rehearsal, Omahan, WWII vet will return to Europe
Civil rights hearing to consider voting policies in Midwest
Firefighters battle brush fire near Fontenelle Forest
17 senators in Nebraska Legislature hit their (term) limits
It's a pursuit of pastel at Spring Lake Park's Easter egg hunt
Financial picture improving for city-owned Mid-America Center
No injuries after fire at midtown's old Mercer Mansion
29-year-old Omahan arrested for 22nd time in Lincoln
Police: Slaying of woman in Ralston apartment likely over drugs
Explosion near 29th, Woolworth damages vehicles
Omaha police arrest man, 19, accused in March shooting
Earth gets its day in the sun at Elmwood Park
Beau McCoy strikes Obama doll in TV ad; Democrats are not happy
Keystone XL pipeline backers blast 'political expediency' as foes hail ruling to delay decision
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The main speaker at today's Ivy Day celebration at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is a college president who grew up roping calves and earned her Ph.D. at the prestigious Oxford University in England.
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I know of one kid in Lincoln who will be receiving a lump of coal from the Easter Bunny, just as soon as he's extricated from that bowling alley claw machine.
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Thursday was the last day of a Nebraska Legislature session. Before leaving town, legislators passed a bill to hold a lottery to hunt the Easter Bunny.
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