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Brad's morning edition. Check back this afternoon for more jokes from Brad.
* All of the publicity for the royal family's baby is ridiculous. I'm just proud to be an American where we reserve this type of round-the-clock attention for the birth of a new panda bear at a zoo.
* Omaha Mayor Jean Stothert said she wants a new fire chief. Already. This is shaping up as the political equivalent of the Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries marriage.
* Stothert will now allow department heads to discuss their budgets publicly. The fire chief has yet to call a press conference to finish the sentence he began three weeks ago. "OK, now where was I?"
* Stothert supports giving UNO $6 million toward a new sports arena. To come up with the $6 million, Stothert wants to sell our fire trucks on eBay and replace 'em with Yugos with hoses.
* According to reports, Edward Snowden has some new, damaging information. I'm starting to think he's desperate for attention. He called a press conference to announce the Moscow airport restaurant doesn't use real butter.
* Sarah Palin said she may run for U.S. Senate ... unless you can think of a better way to promote a new book and a reality show pilot.
* The federal government is retiring most of its research chimps. This comes after realizing keeping both the chimps and Congress was redundant.
* To restore student loans to their earlier rate, the Senate reached a bipartisan agreement. I believe this was called the "Even a blind squirrel sometimes finds a nut" bill.
* George W. Bush said he doesn't "speak much with President Obama." Joe Biden, John Boehner and Harry Reid immediately said, "you neither?"
* Ex-N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer is running for New York City comptroller, and ex-congressman Anthony Weiner is running for mayor. New York will be the only place in America with "pants optional" city government meetings.
* Spitzer's opponent is an ex-madam. The list of candidates in New York City sounds eerily like the guest lineup on "The Jerry Springer Show."
* On Wednesday, the heat index surpassed 105 degrees in Philadelphia. A group of Philly sports fans stood in the streets booing Mother Nature.
* New England states have been experiencing a record-setting July heat wave. I guess that means temperatures in the upper-60s.
* The supposed future of advertising: six-second videos. That's still five-and-a-half more seconds than I can take of the Allstate Guy.
* Six-second videos? So they think the attention spans of Americans are going to lengthen?
* Lady Gaga has temporarily disabled her Twitter account, which means millions of Americans are standing slack-jawed and motionless, staring into space and awaiting some direction on what to do in the 16 hours each day they're not asleep.
* Jenny McCarthy is joining "The View." Couldn't they find someone who's known for fewer outrageous quotes? Say, Charlie Sheen, Mike Tyson or Amanda Bynes?